"oh, you're a feminist..."

okay i know i'm posting a lot today but i am feeling a little crazy
and irritable

according to our reliable friend, merriam-webster,
feminism is "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes"

NOT the theory that women are better than men

ode to a sharpie

i love a good sharpie
the way the ultra fine point scratch scratch scratches away on the right kind of paper
the smell that wafts around you while you are huddled over your madness
i mean
really
bic
what kind of crap pens do you think you're making?

goddamn that fucking band i used to play in

i feel a little lost now. i am just a regular girl who works a regular job and comes home and eats dinner and watches tv with my dog and listens to the rain and thinks about chord changes and what could be sung over them. i think about writing and photoshop and conservation and social work and marine biology and what i need to do at work tomorrow. i look at the books on my floor that are supposed to provide me with life-changing epiphanies but i don't read them. i look at the caller id on my phone but never answer or return anyone's phone calls. i think about school and fulfillment and sinus infections and sex. i think about god and meditation and telekinesis. i think about grace. i think about gratitude. i think about how much i like sharpies but how they're not practical because they bleed through most paper. i think about how RS has my handwriting tatooed on his chest. i think about my sex-filled, drug-filled summer and my moment on the brooklyn bridge. i think about the people that make me feel my mortality.

apples make my mouth itchy

you heard me
apples make my mouth itchy
after years of people looking at me like i was crazy when i said
apples make my mouth itchy
i'd just like everyone to know that i have received confirmation
from a friend of mine who is in his last year of medical school
that it is not uncommon for the apple
to make one's mouth itchy
and yes, it is considered an allergy

part of the reason why i think people scoffed at my proclamations that i could not or would not eat apples because of this abrasive problem was because
immediately following my statement, most people would ask if i suffered the same reaction when eating say, an apple pie
which i do not

however, "another common manifestation of food allergy is the 'oral allergy syndrome,' in which certain foods cause itching or hives where they touch the lips and mouth. fresh fruits and vegetables are often associated with this kind of reaction. these reactions are believed to be due to pollen protein cross-reactions...in the fruits, which are inactivated by cooking. for example, persons sensitive to ragweed pollen may develop hives on the lips while eating melon. similarly, people sensitive to birch tree pollen may react to fresh apples. the same people, however, might tolerate cooked apples, as in apple pie."¹

what now, bitches?!

i am definitely allergic to pollen. so basically, my immune system can't tell the difference between pollen and a piece of fruit. great.

other cross-reactive foods associated with birch pollen? walnuts and almonds. which, when i jumped on that i-eat-nuts-as-a-healthy-high-protein-snack bandwagon, i noticed ALSO made my mouth itchy.

even more exciting is the fact that apple, almond and walnut allergies are associated with allergies to latex. something else i don't get along well with.

this whole post would have probably been a perfect way to segue into why i can never breathe through both nostrils simultaneously, but i think the reese's peanut butter egg is a more urgent matter

¹© health on the net foundation. source. copyright information.

holidays (and our inevitable hatred for them)

well
i was gonna write about holidays and why we hate them
but i changed my mind because
everybody fucking writes about holidays and why we hate them
we all have our reasons -
things like "what exactly do you do for a living?"
and "if you had gone to business school..."
or one year on this holiest of turkey days your girlfriend tried to have the "where is this going?" talk with you which led to the "i want to have children by the time i'm..." talk with you which led to the "i don't think this is working out/how could you say something like that" talk with you
or -

oh shit
see, i started writing about it anyway

what i really wanted to say was
here are some of the subjects of upcoming posts:

1. the reese's peanut butter egg
2. why i can never breathe through both nostrils simultaneously
3. do you smoke weed?
4. the boy who told me i wasn't "girlfriend material"

i actually just made that list as a reminder to myself
not for you
sorry if you wasted your time reading it

the story of mr. and mrs. pink eye

to preface -

i used to play in the aforementioned band with someone we'll call RS
RS has pink eye, which he got from MG (his anorexic model girlfriend)
at the time this story takes place, MG no longer has pink eye
RS’s is full blown

i also feel the need to point out that RS (stupidly) shared his bed with MG when she had pink eye, and when he got it, told me he had gotten the mysterious eye infection MG had - at which point, I said, “pink eye??? Do you have pink eye, you dumbass?!”
RS says no
he says it’s something called “con...junc...ti...vi...tis?”
at which point, I exclaim, “you have pink eye, you idiot! why would you sleep in the same bed with her and make out with her while she had pink eye?!”

needless to say, we had a show
i told RS that he and his PE needed to stay the fuck away from me

this is the story of mr. and mrs. pink eye.

i was using hand sanitizer every five minutes
it didn't help that MG and RS were all over each other
so i didn't want to get anywhere near MG either
they were kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging nonstop
before the show
after the show
i thought i was going to vomit
but i was sucking it up
trying to be cool about it
RS doesn't understand the concept of air circulation
RS and MG come to pick me up in the batmobile (the soccer mom minivan we use to get our gear to and from shows)
no a/c no heat
just stale bacteria/virus-ridden air
i'm sweating for quite some time
i know they are both very skinny
and sickly
but finally, i can't take it anymore

me: are you guys cold?
them: no
RS: are you?
me: i’m sweating
silence
silence
silence
me: maybe you could turn on the air?
RS: oh, ok
RS: i'm gonna need you to navigate

he gives me mapquest directions
however, i am sitting in the back
and RS and MG's inseparable heads prevent me from seeing street signs
and god knows i cannot trust that RS will see the street signs either
this is very irritating to me
i am wondering why MG cannot navigate
then i realize
she's too stupid

on the way home
RS and MG have something resembling a conversation in between their
incessant kissing and extended periods of
gazing deeply into each other's eyes and making stupid faces at one another
it is sickening
nauseating
i find it pathetic
it suddenly becomes very evident to me that
they are not in love with each other
they are in love with being in love
and they want to be in love so badly
so very badly
that everything they do is overly romanticized
completely exaggerated
and i just want them to stop looking at each other with those stupid fucking faces

this is the girl that RS previously told me was
stupid
had no goals
no talent
and no passion for anything
and this is the boy who wonders why i am irritated he got back together with her

but back to their conversation
i'm trying not to listen
but once in a while
i’m lucky enough to catch little snippets

RS: i like apples
MG: i like apples too!
RS: awwwwww!
let the gazing and kissing begin!

RS: i didn't eat any vegetables today
MG: that's okay. you can eat some tomorrow
RS: you're right! i didn’t eat any vegetables today, but i can eat some
tomorrow!
gazing and kissing commences!

RS: that woman should have fallen in the snow
MG: yeah, she should have fallen in the snow. that would have been so funny
RS: yeah, that would have been *so* funny
MG: yeah, that would have been SO funny
RS: that would have been the funniest thing ever!
MG: yeah, that would have been SO funny!
me: ?!?!!?!

more gazing more kissing
and i'm thinking
are these words
these conversations
what you love about each other?
cause it's kind of making me hate you both

the holland tunnel is backed up
it takes us a painfully
excruciatingly long time
to get into the tunnel
to get through the tunnel
RS and MG gaze at each other lovingly as they kiss and nuzzle their heads together and hold hands
all this while RS has pink eye

i am contemplating jumping the batmobile
walking through the tunnel
maybe i'll get arrested
maybe the nypd will take me back to the city

when we get through the tunnel
MG wants to go home
RS wants to drive her there
nevermind the fact that we're right next to our rehearsal studio
RS: do you mind if i take MG home?
what could i say?

i don’t think i need to get into their extended goodbye in the car
i almost got out then also
i just wanted to say
fuck this shit
stop wasting my time
move the equipment yourself
i’m going home

we are very close to my apartment now
RS asks me if i just want to go home
says he can move the equipment alone
but i know he will bitch (like a little bitch) later
RS: i know you have to work in the morning
but i know he's only saying this because he feels bad
he can see i am furiously irritated
but he has no idea why
but he knows it has to do with him
me: are you sure? if you want me to go with you to the studio, i will. if you need help, i will help you
RS: it’s ok, i can move the equipment myself
i say nothing
i get out of the batmobile
and run

a little history

i used to play in a band
let's call that band...um
well, we'll work that out later

until very recently
i used to play in a band
and until very recently
i'm not sure i realized how hard it would be to stop

i ran into a friend yesterday on the street who said
"quitting a band is worse than breaking up with your girlfriend"
to which i said
"no shit. i noticed"

maybe somebody could have told me this sooner?!?!
quitting a band is like breaking up with your girlfriend three times over
and i'm not talking consecutively
i'm talking about all at once

there's a lot of history behind the band that will come later
but for now, all you really need to know is that
i once
played in a band

in the beginning

i didn't put much in my profile because i figure i'm about to spill my guts all over this web page
or at least
over time
i will

i'm doing this partly at the suggestion of a good friend
let's call him CE
because it seems a bit egotistical to think that anyone gives a shit
much less has the time to read what i have to say
what happened to me today
or what i want to bitch about
but at his suggestion
and maybe to spare my friends some of the epic emails i write while i'm confused crashing ecstatic flustered high or hysterical
i blog