it's not you, it's your financial situation

this dude i've been seeing, who i like a lot, is broke. not broke because he's a fuck up or because he's lazy or anything like that. broke because he's going to school full-time. he is in serious debt from four years of undergraduate studies and also in serious debt from an artistic undertaking that didn't go quite as planned.

but i adore him in a lot of ways.

besides the more long-term concern of his appalling financial background marring my perfect credit, the biggest problem is that sometimes there are some things a woman wants that cost money. in my case, it's FOOD. and i'm not even talking i want this dude to buy me food. i'm talking i just want this dude to have enough money to accompany me when i go to get food. but he is broke. really, really broke. broke to the point that his diet consists solely of wendy's and dumplings from one of those five for a dollar places in chinatown. don't get me wrong. i love dumplings, but there are only so many i can eat over the course of a month.

so what can i do. i feel bad for wanting so selfishly to make that occasional trip to cornelia street cafe, the oyster bar at grand central, even chikalicious. he really needs to maintain a moderate lifestyle for the time being, and i want to spend fifteen dollars at a dessert bar?!

so i'll experience three courses of chocolate with TC, slurp down kumamotos with RG. not a big deal, right? but practically all my friends are men, and if you were the dude i adored, wouldn't that kind of bother you?

in a year and a half, i'm sure he'll be making more than enough money to watch me suck on those perfectly seasoned red potatoes at la luncheonette. that is, if we can both stomach this situation till then.

the search for the ideal man, i mean, chapstick

i go through periods where i obsess over things. this month, it's chapstick. wait, i shouldn't say chapstick. that's an actual brand. let's call it lip balm. ah, glorious, mouth-moistening lip balm!

i currently have a variety of so-called lip balms on my "nightstand" (it's actually a dog kennel). they are:

chapstick lip moisturizer
smith's rosebud salve
aveeno essential moisture lip conditioner
c.o. bigelow my favorite lip balm (this is not my favorite lip balm, it's just called that)
aveda lip saver
blistex lip infusion

i am happy with none of these.

the latest addition to my collection was the blistex lip infusion, which i should have known was going to be completely wack simply because it's a liquid. my lips are CHAPPED, blistex! a splash of juicy wetness ain't gonna do it!

i kind of really liked the smith's rosebud salve when i first bought it, but i'm not really a fan of balms that involve me sticking my staph-ridden finger in them. my friend suggested i heat up the smith's in the microwave, empty out the squeezy tube of c.o. bigelow, and suck the smith's up into it, but this seems like a lot of work for a freaking lip balm. i might do it though. but i don't even like the smith's that much. it's a little too shiny, and when my lips are shiny, people always seem to be staring at them while i'm talking. it must be like having huge tits.

i also think that when a lip balm is flavored, it should state this somewhere on the packaging. maybe vanilla makes me nauseous, and who the hell said i wanted to taste strawberries all day?! the worst is when you put it on and then make out with someone, and they say "mmm, vanilla?" as if you put this sickeningly sweet concoction on just for them. maybe i'd prefer a salty lip balm. maybe that's the problem.

the search for the ideal chapstick, i mean, lip balm continues.

suicide text

my friend got a suicidal text message from his suicidal ex-girlfriend the other day. not a handwritten letter. not a suicide word doc. not a suicide email. a suicide text.

it's the suicide attempt of the 21st century! anyway, it lead me to wonder. just what did it say?

wnted 2 say thx 4 evrything & tel u ur 1 of the most amzng ppl ive evr met. dunno wtf is wrong w me u wer the only prsn who evr rly luvd me & omg im so sry i hurt u. u dunno how much i h8 myslf bc of this :( tc of urself, k? pls 4give me 4 wat im about 2 do. no more ttyls or brbs or c u 2morrows. i wil <3 u 4eva

yeah. i bet it was something like that. i guess suicide PIX & suicide FLIX are next. i can't fucking wait.

him or me. me or him.

i feel sick. there are some things you never do again. and there are some things you never do again.

why is it that women blame themselves when someone forces them to have sex with them. how is it that a woman can feel unsure of whether or not she has been raped. shouldn't we know. shouldn't it be cut and dry. you either wanted it, or you didn't.

what is this grey area that keeps so many people's mouths shut. when all you need is one tiny mote of doubt to distort your feelings on sex forever.

why is it that we feel like we never learn. why do we question our actions, our words, the clothes we wear, the looks we throw. shouldn't it be cut and dry. you either wanted it, or you didn't. you either said no, or you didn't.

but in reality, NO. no doesn't always mean no. yes doesn't always mean yes. so who's confused now. him or me. me or him. if you give him enough time to put on a condom, if you let him hold you when it's all over who the fuck is the confused one. who the fuck is the guilty one. him or me. me or him.

i feel fucking sick now. there are some people you never see again. and there are some people you never see again. shouldn't we know better. shouldn't it be cut and dry. you either wanted it, or you didn't.