the story of mr. and mrs. pink eye

to preface -

i used to play in the aforementioned band with someone we'll call RS
RS has pink eye, which he got from MG (his anorexic model girlfriend)
at the time this story takes place, MG no longer has pink eye
RS’s is full blown

i also feel the need to point out that RS (stupidly) shared his bed with MG when she had pink eye, and when he got it, told me he had gotten the mysterious eye infection MG had - at which point, I said, “pink eye??? Do you have pink eye, you dumbass?!”
RS says no
he says it’s something called “con...junc...ti...vi...tis?”
at which point, I exclaim, “you have pink eye, you idiot! why would you sleep in the same bed with her and make out with her while she had pink eye?!”

needless to say, we had a show
i told RS that he and his PE needed to stay the fuck away from me

this is the story of mr. and mrs. pink eye.

i was using hand sanitizer every five minutes
it didn't help that MG and RS were all over each other
so i didn't want to get anywhere near MG either
they were kissing and hugging and kissing and hugging nonstop
before the show
after the show
i thought i was going to vomit
but i was sucking it up
trying to be cool about it
RS doesn't understand the concept of air circulation
RS and MG come to pick me up in the batmobile (the soccer mom minivan we use to get our gear to and from shows)
no a/c no heat
just stale bacteria/virus-ridden air
i'm sweating for quite some time
i know they are both very skinny
and sickly
but finally, i can't take it anymore

me: are you guys cold?
them: no
RS: are you?
me: i’m sweating
silence
silence
silence
me: maybe you could turn on the air?
RS: oh, ok
RS: i'm gonna need you to navigate

he gives me mapquest directions
however, i am sitting in the back
and RS and MG's inseparable heads prevent me from seeing street signs
and god knows i cannot trust that RS will see the street signs either
this is very irritating to me
i am wondering why MG cannot navigate
then i realize
she's too stupid

on the way home
RS and MG have something resembling a conversation in between their
incessant kissing and extended periods of
gazing deeply into each other's eyes and making stupid faces at one another
it is sickening
nauseating
i find it pathetic
it suddenly becomes very evident to me that
they are not in love with each other
they are in love with being in love
and they want to be in love so badly
so very badly
that everything they do is overly romanticized
completely exaggerated
and i just want them to stop looking at each other with those stupid fucking faces

this is the girl that RS previously told me was
stupid
had no goals
no talent
and no passion for anything
and this is the boy who wonders why i am irritated he got back together with her

but back to their conversation
i'm trying not to listen
but once in a while
i’m lucky enough to catch little snippets

RS: i like apples
MG: i like apples too!
RS: awwwwww!
let the gazing and kissing begin!

RS: i didn't eat any vegetables today
MG: that's okay. you can eat some tomorrow
RS: you're right! i didn’t eat any vegetables today, but i can eat some
tomorrow!
gazing and kissing commences!

RS: that woman should have fallen in the snow
MG: yeah, she should have fallen in the snow. that would have been so funny
RS: yeah, that would have been *so* funny
MG: yeah, that would have been SO funny
RS: that would have been the funniest thing ever!
MG: yeah, that would have been SO funny!
me: ?!?!!?!

more gazing more kissing
and i'm thinking
are these words
these conversations
what you love about each other?
cause it's kind of making me hate you both

the holland tunnel is backed up
it takes us a painfully
excruciatingly long time
to get into the tunnel
to get through the tunnel
RS and MG gaze at each other lovingly as they kiss and nuzzle their heads together and hold hands
all this while RS has pink eye

i am contemplating jumping the batmobile
walking through the tunnel
maybe i'll get arrested
maybe the nypd will take me back to the city

when we get through the tunnel
MG wants to go home
RS wants to drive her there
nevermind the fact that we're right next to our rehearsal studio
RS: do you mind if i take MG home?
what could i say?

i don’t think i need to get into their extended goodbye in the car
i almost got out then also
i just wanted to say
fuck this shit
stop wasting my time
move the equipment yourself
i’m going home

we are very close to my apartment now
RS asks me if i just want to go home
says he can move the equipment alone
but i know he will bitch (like a little bitch) later
RS: i know you have to work in the morning
but i know he's only saying this because he feels bad
he can see i am furiously irritated
but he has no idea why
but he knows it has to do with him
me: are you sure? if you want me to go with you to the studio, i will. if you need help, i will help you
RS: it’s ok, i can move the equipment myself
i say nothing
i get out of the batmobile
and run