i feel utter relief/complete terror

there's really no other way to describe it. i am terrified, but i feel better than i have in weeks.

fuck.

so i went to a psychoanalyst last night. this psych was really different from my old psych, but at the end of the session/evaluation, she said, "you really need to be in therapy at least twice a week." i was surprised. i laughed and said, "really?" but two minutes later, i realized that i had heard that before.

so i'm morbidly depressed. i don't think i'm that fucked up.

she asked me if i wanted to see her (as opposed to another psych) in a way that made me feel like she thought i'd be a fascinating case study in addition to thinking she might be able to help me. it was scary and flattering at the same time.

i told her how invincible i feel sometimes, how i can cross the street without looking, how i can fuck whoever i want without thinking, how i can put whatever drugs into my body without worrying, because i feel like i would never be so lucky as to get hit by a car or contract hiv or od. i told her i didn't deserve to be this healthy after everything i've done. i told her i didn't understand how i had emerged from my past life so unscathed.

"but you didn't emerge unscathed."

fuck. she's right.