"if you go over there, is she gonna make you feel better?"

"yeah, she always makes me feel better."
"well, maybe you shouldn't go over there then."

i don't understand the logic of men.

my blog has been violated.

you and i are the only ones in the world who can read it now.

when he called me to tell me he had read my blog, i was primarily in a state of panic, but the more i think about the situation, the more irritated i get.

it is bullshit that he has invaded my privacy this way.

women's shoes. the final frontier.

i don't understand women's shoes. straps and bows and buttons and chains and buckles and things that you wrap around your ankle. all i need is something to wear with a black fucking dress, and for the life of me, i cannot find a pair of women's shoes that don't strangle my entire foot in a fashion reminiscent of cock and ball bondage.

i've browsed brands including prada, calvin klein, aldo, banana republic, delman, via spiga, betsey johnson, stuart weitzman, chloe, steven, steve madden, nine west, coach, guess, fornarina, and marc jacobs, and i can't figure out if it's that i have mutated feet or that women are actually willing to slide their precious pedicured toes into something that feels like a razor blade filled chamber lined with steel wool. and i really have to point out that the 50 degree angle that manolo blahnik wants to put my foot in is just not natural.

so, after wandering about rainy manhattan in my camouflage cargo pants in the hopes the sales people wouldn't see me (and for the most part, they didn't) in the midst of this urban foot jungle, i've come home with no shoes. i'm wondering if i might be able to get away with these chunky, slightly platformed quasi-heels i've had since my freshman year of college. if not, i suppose i'll have no choice but to beat my metatarsals into submission.

i don't know the difference between love and attachment

on more than one occasion, i've fallen in attachment. i'm not sure how many times i've really been in love, so much as i've been attached to someone and wanted very badly to love them. i'm not in love with being in love. i don't feel an intense need to be in love, nor am i envious of those who are in blissful relationships overflowing with love, but i sure as hell do get attached to people i'm not in love with.

it's a horrible thing to think that the person you're with isn't good enough for you. regardless of the reasons why it happens, how you ended up feeling that way, it fucks with the relationship on so many levels. yes, i have a short temper, but with someone who i don't feel is good enough for me, who should be worshipping the ground i walk on, my temper is even shorter. it's frighteningly short.

i want him to make up for not being smart enough, not having money, not being able to take care of me, but how do i want him to make up for it? i think by devotion. i think by being there when i want him to be there, by knowing that he'll do almost anything i want. almost.

i don't like the person that he has made me. that in itself should be enough for me to end the relationship, but still, i'm so attached that i feel absolutely certain that i cannot detach myself from him. all the anxiety and anger and insecurity that i've felt with him are emotions i thought were gone with the immature me, with the me that didn't know how to be in a committed relationship, that didn't know how to do what was best for me, that didn't even know what was best for me.

i've been told to move on, to find someone else with whom to detach myself. it's not very good advice, but there's a part of me that sees it as the only way out. i am supposed to be stronger than this, more independent than this girl who writes a rambling blog about a boy who i have a simple attachment to. but i don't know the difference between love and attachment, and even if i did, i wouldn't admit it anyway.