did you?

when you told all your friends that you thought i had read your email,

did you tell them about the time i woke up in the middle of the night to find you going through the sent items on my computer?

did you tell them about how i wasn't able to keep a browser history for 3 years after you went through mine and looked at the websites that i had visited?

did you tell them about how you told me that you needed a "break" from helping to take care of me two weeks after i was thrown from a horse and lost complete use of my right arm?

did you tell them about how, the evening after you offered to sit with me for a few hours while my mom was having emergency surgery, you made sure to tell me that i had taken time away from the work that you wanted to do?

did you tell them about how i haven't gone out for dinner on my birthday or valentine's day for the last 4 years?

did you tell them about how i'd often be waiting for you to arrive at my apartment for 45 minutes to an hour after work because you "didn't think it was a big deal"?

did you tell them about what an asshole you were when we first starting dating because you straight up just didn't know how to act with a girlfriend in social situations?

did you tell them how you told me, "i'm just thinking about myself right now," after you decided that i was the primary reason for your lack of discipline/inability to follow through in terms of your career?

did you tell them about how careful i had to be to not make you feel insecure about your intelligence and sexual prowess because you knew that you just couldn't compare to past boyfriends?

did you tell them about how you would lie to me about when you were playing a ridiculous fucking video game?

did you tell them that you once pretended to be working on a television show while you were actually at home, playing a ridiculous fucking video game?

did you tell them about how you would lie to me about what time you had woken up because you didn't want to admit that you were getting up at 11 am or noon?

did you tell them about how you didn't know that the woman sits on the banquette while the man sits on the chair in a restaurant?

did you tell them about how you've been living off of unemployment for the last 4 years and would sooner consider going on welfare than look for a fucking job?

you

you projected your insecurities and frustrations onto me until you became deranged and delusional.

it's been three years.

i wasted so much time with you.

i feel utter relief/complete terror

there's really no other way to describe it. i am terrified, but i feel better than i have in weeks.

fuck.

so i went to a psychoanalyst last night. this psych was really different from my old psych, but at the end of the session/evaluation, she said, "you really need to be in therapy at least twice a week." i was surprised. i laughed and said, "really?" but two minutes later, i realized that i had heard that before.

so i'm morbidly depressed. i don't think i'm that fucked up.

she asked me if i wanted to see her (as opposed to another psych) in a way that made me feel like she thought i'd be a fascinating case study in addition to thinking she might be able to help me. it was scary and flattering at the same time.

i told her how invincible i feel sometimes, how i can cross the street without looking, how i can fuck whoever i want without thinking, how i can put whatever drugs into my body without worrying, because i feel like i would never be so lucky as to get hit by a car or contract hiv or od. i told her i didn't deserve to be this healthy after everything i've done. i told her i didn't understand how i had emerged from my past life so unscathed.

"but you didn't emerge unscathed."

fuck. she's right.