the search for the ideal man, i mean, chapstick

i go through periods where i obsess over things. this month, it's chapstick. wait, i shouldn't say chapstick. that's an actual brand. let's call it lip balm. ah, glorious, mouth-moistening lip balm!

i currently have a variety of so-called lip balms on my "nightstand" (it's actually a dog kennel). they are:

chapstick lip moisturizer
smith's rosebud salve
aveeno essential moisture lip conditioner
c.o. bigelow my favorite lip balm (this is not my favorite lip balm, it's just called that)
aveda lip saver
blistex lip infusion

i am happy with none of these.

the latest addition to my collection was the blistex lip infusion, which i should have known was going to be completely wack simply because it's a liquid. my lips are CHAPPED, blistex! a splash of juicy wetness ain't gonna do it!

i kind of really liked the smith's rosebud salve when i first bought it, but i'm not really a fan of balms that involve me sticking my staph-ridden finger in them. my friend suggested i heat up the smith's in the microwave, empty out the squeezy tube of c.o. bigelow, and suck the smith's up into it, but this seems like a lot of work for a freaking lip balm. i might do it though. but i don't even like the smith's that much. it's a little too shiny, and when my lips are shiny, people always seem to be staring at them while i'm talking. it must be like having huge tits.

i also think that when a lip balm is flavored, it should state this somewhere on the packaging. maybe vanilla makes me nauseous, and who the hell said i wanted to taste strawberries all day?! the worst is when you put it on and then make out with someone, and they say "mmm, vanilla?" as if you put this sickeningly sweet concoction on just for them. maybe i'd prefer a salty lip balm. maybe that's the problem.

the search for the ideal chapstick, i mean, lip balm continues.